UNCLE BARNEY'S MAIL SACK:
May 18, 2009
Dr. Phil and I are not the same guy. He's chubby, I'm built. I have a full head of hair, he's bald as an eagle. He has an awesome moustache and I regrettably can't do much by way of upper lip hair. But we do have some similarities. For instance, both of us take extraordinary interest in housewives, albeit for different reasons. And both of us are dedicated to bettering lives. Granted, Dr. Phil likes to show off in front of a national television audience while I prefer to dispense with my tough-talking advice via this blog (although if any television producers are reading this, I'd be open to hosting my own show. I'm thinking an hour-long format -- possibly as a lead-in to Oprah. The theme song is recorded and ready to go.)
Dear Uncle Barney:
When most people think of goats, they think of the can-eating child friendly petting zoo staple. However recently my friend Ted was savagely attacked by one that required a trip to the hospital. So, either they're quite ferocious (like he says), or Ted's a big time wuss. Which one is it? And, what other relatively harmless animals do you advise we stay away from?
Marshall E., Minnesota
Dear Marshall,
First off, it sounds like your friend Ted is one of the biggest wussies in the history of wussery (#1 - still the French). That being said, here are three relatively harmless animals to stay away from unless you want to wind up in a hospital for reasons other than picking up a hot nurse coming off a 24 hour shift whose decision making can be easily manipulated and whose primary desire is to get into bed.
1 - Bees -
You've seen "My Girl" (if you haven't you should, but bring tissues - it's a tear jerker.)
2 - My neighbor's dog Wally
This golden retriever who lived next to my mom's house growing up seemed so friendly and great but as soon as you tried to ride him like a horse, he'd bite your stomach.
3 - Rabbits
They don't walk, they hop. They eat the heck out of your carrots. And if they could, they'd carry your feet around for good luck. If you see one, I advise running.
Dear Uncle Barney:
I think I'm in love. Every time I'm around this girl, my heart goes a mile a minute. And it's possible that she might have feelings for me too. And the thought of that scares me half to death, because who knows where this could lead? What if this is the real thing? But what if it isn't and she breaks my heart? Is this worth pursuing?
Jack Package, New York
Dear Jack,
It's not worth pursuing. I say forget it.
AS FAST AS I CAN
May 12, 2009
Getting out of a ticket -- turns out -- not as easy as getting out of a second date. Nor apparently, are cops as easily manipulated as say, the Dow Jones. But when the po-po pulls you over on your way to your next pharmaceutical sales convention, you need to be ready. Here's a Stinson approved practice test.*
Which answer will get you out of a ticket?
1. You pull an illegal U-turn on a two lane road. Freddy Fuzz waddles over and asks for you license and registration.
A: Apologize and promise to never to it again.
B: You explain you have diplomatic immunity. You're an ambassador from the country of Awesome.
C: Cry
2. There's a girl fight happening across town. You're doing 95 on the highway. Carl Copper flashes his lights. You pull over. He asks for license and registration. You:
A: Explain you're dyslexic. You thought you were going 59.
B: You do your duty as a bro and tell him about the fight.
C: Cry.
3. You run a stop sign. Trudy Trooper wants your license and registration. You:
A: Say you thought that sign was for your heart, because that's what it did when you saw her.
B: Hand them over. With your phone number.
C: Cry
Answers:
Question 1:
A: Ticket
B: Ticket
C: Ticket
Question 2:
A: Ticket
B: He turns on the sirens and you get there just in time to see the girls yank off their tops and roll into a conveniently placed puddle of mud. Then he writes you a ticket.
C: Ticket
Question 3:
A: Ticket
B: Ticket but also a fun night with handcuffs and a lot of "Yes, Officer!"
C: Ticket and she laughs at you.
*Please note that if you are a hot chick, you will never get a ticket. If you are borderline hot, (we're talking 4-7 out of 10), crying should do the trick.
CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS
May 4, 2009
I recently reached an important personal goal: 200 women. That's like 100 women, twice...but you know, with 100 totally different women. Since it's clearly just a numbers game, I think it's safe to say I'm in the lead.*
With the almost mythic "200" conquered, I started wondering how "200" fits in the pantheon of landmark numbers.
*Professional athletes, Pharaohs, and Kennedys excluded from competition
200 BY THE NUMBERS
3, 4, Knock On My Door
April 27, 2009
I recently encouraged my best friend, Ted, to observe the “Three Day Rule” regarding when to call a chick after getting her number. The popular wisdom is that by waiting three days to re-establish contact you can fool her into thinking you’re not as desperate as you probably are. It’s a solid strategy and a good rule of thumb for amateurs like Ted, but there’s a more technical approach for intrepid souls that requires both advanced expertise and polished skills… the “Four Day Rule.”
As explained in my New York Times Best-selling book, “The Bro Code,” waiting four days instead of three gives you a considerable edge when it comes to winning over a woman, but this strategy raises many frequently asked questions from gentlemen callers:
If I girl gives me her number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?
If you call a girl right away and other guys follow suit, eventually women will expect timely correspondence… and that’s an unnecessary burden for everyone.
Okay, then why don’t I just wait a week, or a month, or even a year? Waiting a week makes her think you were too scared to call and a month makes it seem like you’re even more desperate than calling her the first night. As far as waiting a year, experiments are underway to determine at what exact time period a belated call from the past will fool a chick into thinking you haven’t been able to get her out of your mind after all this time, which can lead to some spirited nostalgic sex.
I scored a few phone numbers over the weekend and I’m worried I will mess up the days and call too soon or too early. What should I do? Spreadsheet. Heh.
Okay, I’ve waited ninety-six hours. When’s the best time to call her? Call during the middle of the day. You’ll have a better chance of catching her voicemail, and then, with any luck, the ball will be in her court. If the gods are in your favor, you might even be able to set something up without ever actually having to talk with her.
Everyone I know swears by the Three Day Rule. Why are you such a proponent of the Four Day Rule? If everyone you know has heard of the “Three Day Rule,” then you can rest assured that women have heard of it, too. By waiting an extra day, you can really make that random chick you met while drunk feel unique.
The Fantasy Fantasy League
April 13, 2009
The land of make believe is no longer confined to rainy-day attics or treehouse sleepovers. All across this great nation, grown men and women are playing pretend –- imagining themselves as the general managers of professional sports teams. And while that might be good clean fun, I prefer my fantasies to be bad dirty fun. Therefore I proudly present to you my latest and greatest idea: Fantasy Fantasy League.
Last week some friends and I created our own fantasy fantasy draft board. The object was to put together the best possible fantasy by selecting (in any order) a PERSON, PLACE, and SITUATION. After randomly selecting a draft order, I went first…
As with most fantasy leagues, some analysis is necessary. Let’s go over the big winners and losers of this draft:
WINNERS
Barney: Locked up Scarlett Johansson early, then scooped up the Playboy Mansion, when it inexplicably fell to the second round. By closing his draft out with “snowed in,” Stinson created the perfect scenario – Scarlett Johansson surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women who, it’s worth noting, like getting naked. Add in the apocalyptic event of snow blanketing southern California and you have very naked beautiful women preparing for the end of the world with Barney leading the charge toward heaven.
Lily: Solid location pick in the first round after Robin choked and picked possibly the unsexiest place on earth after an intensive care unit (assuming no nurses). Went for value in the later rounds and the diversity of picks opens the door for bonus fantasy entertainment - when she’s done handcuffing her Aussie, they can while away those long hours on the deserted island with a one man performance of Pippin.
LOSERS
Ted: Reached for an environment too early and then added insult to injury by choosing a lame continent. Sure, Paris might be an acceptable pick if this were a Shoe Fantasy league but with locations like “outer space” and “mattress store” still on the board, this bust of a pick may haunt him for years. His second and third picks were total question marks, not even worth mentioning. It was like watching the New York Jets at the NFL draft.
Marshall: Really? You’re going to pick the only woman you’ve ever had sex with for your fantasy? His other picks are all over the map, but at least he knows what he wants.
WILDCARD
Robin: I tuned out after Canada.
Old Person Quiz
March 30, 2009
For several years now, I've been prohibited from playing Little League baseball. This is an inevitable part of aging, and a necessary one -- because the simple truth is I would dominate those little punks on the diamond.
But as Aaliyah so famously declared: Age ain't nuthin' but a number. You might be fifty and act twenty, you might be twenty and act fifty, or you might be sixteen with a really good fake I.D., a body that screams eighteen, and a very violent, stubborn father.
Some of us don't know where we stand -- but as usual, Barney is here to the rescue with this very helpful quiz. Answer the questions honestly and find out exactly how old you really are...
You're at a bar and your friend buys a round of tequila shots. You...
(1) Down your shot, then your friend's shot, then order another round.
(2) Down your shot, thank your friend, and retire home for the evening.
(3) Turn down the shot - you have work tomorrow.
(4) This entire scenario is unrealistic - bars? What is this, college?
Your friends are camping out for concert tickets. You...
(1) Get a keg and a tent -- you're in.
(2) Give them money and ask them to buy you a ticket
(3) Pass -- can you believe the crap those kids are listening to these days.
(4) The music's too loud, parking is a pain, and everyone's on drugs. No, thanks.
Your friends are at the beach throwing the football around. You...
(1) Organize a tackle football game - straight out of the Abercrombie catalog. But straight.
(2) Just throw the ball around nice and soft -- while enjoying the sun's rays.
(3) Don't throw the ball at all -- that's a good way to get your trick shoulder worked up again.
(4) Don't go to the beach because sand gets in places you don't want sand to be, and the sun is a big blaring ball of potential Melanoma beating down on you.
You're house sitting in your friend's ridiculous mansion. You...
(1) Throw a house party that will make Kid N' Play's hair fall out.
(2) Invite a small group of friends over for a dinner party.
(3) You have a date with his comfortable couch, a glass of Chianti, and the latest Clive Clussler.
(4) You leave early because you're old and depressed and it's strikingly clear you'll never be able to afford a house of similar size.
You get a girls' number. You...
(1) Call her that night for a booty call.
(2) Wait the allotted 3 days and ask her out for coffee.
(3) Wait the allotted 3 days to call and plan a dinner.
(4) Don't call because phones are too confusing.
The stock market is crashing. You...
(1) Don't care because you aren't invested in the stock market.
(2) Care a little because some of your buddies are on Wall Street.
(3) Start looking for a ledge to jump off of.
(4) Find it exciting to actually have something to talk to people about.
It's the first beautiful day outside in a while. You...
(1) Fill a thermos with gin and step outside.
(2) Barbecue with some friends. Maybe even cook a steak
(3) White-wash your fence.
(4) Bird-watch with the new binoculars you bought off of QVC.
You just found out that you won the lottery. You...
(1) Spend half the money on booze and the other half on strippers.
(2) Buy a really cool car that you've always wanted.
(3) Diversify thru mutual funds and CD's.
(4) Do not want to cash in the ticket for fear that "once Uncle Sam gets his hand in your pocket, he won't let go."
You're at a sporting event and a jerk is causing a ruckus. Do you:
(1) Hit him with a beer bottle and when he looks over, point to the guy next to you.
(2) Berate him about why he's being a jerk and if he wants to fight you say, "Yeah, like I'm gonna fight you over a sporting event."
(3) Alert an usher about said jerk.
(4) N/A. Don't attend sporting events because of chance of inclimate weather and escalating price of concessions and seriously, have you seen what they're charging for a cup of birch beer nowadays? It's criminal.
You're flipping thru the channels and you see that a "Golden Girls" marathon just started. You...
(1) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(2) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(3) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(4) Watch it (at an increased volume) - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
Assign yourself the corresponding points for each answer and tally them.
For instance, if you answered choice (1) to a question, give yourself one point, and so on and so forth.
10-15 - You're young at heart, or you're an immature jerk. Either way, do as you please.
16-25 - You're still hanging on to that last vestige of youth. Many people your age shake their head at your antics.
26-32 - You're starting to get that old person smell. Give it up
33-40 - You may be dead already.
Oh Canada
March 23, 2009
An experienced lover like me is pretty familiar with the various ins, outs and ins of pretty much any sexual encounter. But I wasn't born that way. It took work. Now we've all heard the phrase practice makes perfect, but how do you take it to the next level? You put your nose to the grindstone and do some good ol' fashioned research.
It was in doing that research that I stumbled upon a treasure trove of information from the most unlikely of sources: Canada - America's frozen helmet. The biggest surprise isn't that they're into some freaky sex acts (after all, their national vehicle is the zam-BONE-i), it's the fact that they knew how to turn a computer on.
So without further ado, allow me to present to you:
Study it. You never know when you might find yourself north of the border and south of her's.
Couture Watch: Nightshirt Makes Night Moves
March 16, 2009
After an evening spent in the surprising freedom and luxury of a nightshirt, I have decided to update my approved wardrobe lists.
The Greatest Story Ever Told
March 9, 2009
Attention: Publishers of Harry Potter
RE: Awesome Manuscript
Best Story Ever.
Casting Couch
March 2, 2009
"Whether you’re hiding from the IRS, working as a spy, or pretending you’re a married man to please your mother, every now and again you’ll find it necessary to create an alternate life. And while you can get alarmingly far with just a bogus social security number, a doctored passport, and a set of Groucho Marx glasses, eventually you’ll need to produce a human being to corroborate your story. That’s when you’ll need an actor.
“How do I go about hiring these masters of deceit?” You’ll need to generate a character description and post it with a casting service or local newspaper. Before you complain about all that work, remember: You’ll be rewarded with hundreds of pictures of hot strangers sent right to your home...free.
Below are some notices I sent out recently when trying to cast a fake family so that my mother would love me. Enjoy!
CASTING CALL!
Role: BETTY STINSON. Fortuitous wife of Barney Stinson. Despite birthing a son has not lost her figure. In fact, might look better than she used to.
Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary web-cam auteur who brought you such raw classics as “Jessica: February 1st, 2009 -– Met at MacLaren’s Last Call” and “Tina: September 13, 2006 -– New Mail Room Girl at Work.”
Pay: Scale.
Seeking: Female, 18 – 29, energetic, extremely attractive. Like, at least a 9.
Skills:
- -- Hot -- like, at least a 9
- -- Must provide own swim suits, négligés...whatever “sexy outfits” a married women might have
- -- Willingness to perform own stunts
- -- Breathtaking breasts
- -- Willing to do anything for the scene
- -- Great in bed
Notes:
- -- May require nudity
- -- Great first-time role: I know, like, a ton of important Hollywood people
Please send headshots, resumes, and other pictures to Barneystinson@yahoo.com
CASTING CALL!
Role: TYLER STINSON. A young boy with the greatest father ever.
Project: “The Stinsons.” A living theater experiment in which we fool my mother into thinking I have a wife and son. Intermittent gigs over the next twenty years.
Director: Barney Stinson – the visionary cell-phone camera auteur who brought you the cell phone video classics “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk” and “Ted Gets Hit in the Junk 2: Revenge of the Stool.”
Pay: $50/day. Some meals.
Seeking: Male, can play 6 – 8 years old, preferably blonde and chiseled. Must have spectacular depth of facial expression, and an all around sense of awesomeness.
Skills:
- -- Familiar with the Stanislavski System of Acting
- -- Background in improv preferred
- -- Must be able to do your own makeup and hair and provide own wardrobe – welltailored suits a plus, or, barring that, something not off the rack
- -- Stage combat
- -- Willing to do anything for the scene
- -- Hot moms encouraged
Notes:
- -- Actors should come with a prepared monologue about how awesome their dad is
- -- Moms come dressed to move
Please send headshots and resumes to Barneystinson@yahoo.com
Italian Leather Clad Foot in the Door
February 2, 2009
Check out the most awesome résumé ever! www.barneysvideoresume.com
Dear Sir or Madam but probably Sir:
As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you've undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand.
I, Barney Stinson, recognize that you are a man (or woman, I guess) with precious free time. You cannot afford to comb though the stack of tree-killing, archaic paper résumés that have inundated your office or luxury yacht because as a… human… of great power and influence, you don't have time to read. As such, I proudly yet humbly present to you my video résumé:
Bingo!
January 19, 2009
Every year I take the top 25 party schools and arrange them on a bingo card. The rules are simple*: Sleep with a collegiate hottie then mark her school on the board. Bingo = five in a row in any direction – up, down, across, upside down, missionary, etc.
*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo
1. Students must be currently enrolled. Don’t think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville.
2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge.
3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language.
4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid.
5. Student must be attending university in person – “getting a degree” online does not count in the same way that “having sex” online does not count.
6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that school’s college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void.
7. Have fun!
Uncle Barney's Mail Sack
January 12, 2009
Like Moses, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top awesome -- I can help others improve.
Dear Uncle Barney,
My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm adjusting my fantasy football roster or reading about up-coming video games. I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions.
Sincereley,
Joseph Donovan
----------------------
Joseph,
There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During Sex, Deathbed.
DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about appetizers -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.
DURING SEX: One of the seemingly infinite benefits of sex is that there's so much activity, coordination and noise, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, sex is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, gambling addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.
DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to squeeze two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).
*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister is.
**Unless said sister is in bed with you. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.
Dear Santa
December 15, 2008
Dear Santa,
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load… by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it’s with great admiration and what I’m sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year. And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up -- I’d really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many women’s houses undetected. I’m good, but I’m not that good.
Happy Holidays,
Barney Stinson
P.S. I left you a glass of twelve-year-old single malt. Milk? Let’s get serious, bro.
Everybody's Kung-Fu Fighting
December 8, 2008
Getting in a fight? Lame. Watching someone else fight? Awesome. While some of the great ones have already been settled (Alien v. Predator, Rocky v. Drago, thong v.underwear) others are still too close to call (blonde v. brunette). That being said, here are some great fights I would pay to see. Feel free to rock the vote on what you think the outcome would be. Note: Answer key at the bottom of the page.
(1) Super Lightweight Champion:
Canada v. France
Baguettes meet hockey sticks in a battle of places that feature cold temperatures, funny accents, and weird looking currency. Canada’s slight edge for its proximity to America and for producing Pamela Anderson is immediately nullified by the existence of French-Canadians.
Which is the “better” country: (A) Canada or (B) France?
(2) Middleweight Champion:
One celebrates growing wood, the other celebrates poles.
Who wins the battle of fantastic holidays: (A) Arbor Day or (B) Flag Day?
(3) Heavyweight Championship:
Trebek v. Sajak
This “showdown” recently opened up when undefeated World Champion, Bob Barker retired. Trebek’s knowledge of military warfare and history gives him a slight edge, though if Sajak connects with a right hook, it could be lights out: 25 years of spinning that wheel has turned his hand to iron and if he’s able to channel his silent rage over never taking a run at Vanna White, Sajak could leave Trebek’s face in the form of a question.
Vote in the Game Show Host Match-up: (A) Trebek or (B) Sajak?
(4) The Main Event:
Both events have been staples of debauchery since the bleary-eyed dawn of man. Both attract girls who will do almost anything for a reasonable fee of plastic beads. While Spring Break holds a geographical advantage (celebrated all over the globe), Mardi Gras rocks an impenetrable fortress – not even Mother Nature herself can ruin that party.
Who wins the slap down of debauchery: (A) Mardi Gras or (B) Spring Break?
Answer Key:
Naked Man!
November 24, 2008
As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past to present, today, they're the wacky inhabitants of Bedrock, the elongated face of your car insurance, or a high school student who, upon de-thawing, attends Encino High with Pauly Shore and a hobbit.
But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.
Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, Barry White), let's not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy.
Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let's just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens.
Step 1:
You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light.
Step 2:
Your woman steps out to use the little girl's cave. You take off your loin cloth.
Step 3:
Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon.
This works...2 out of 3 times.
Barney Stinson University (B.S.U.)
November 17, 2008
OPEN ENROLLMENT -- COURSE ADDITION
SOC 435 -- Woo and You: A Study of Woo Girls in their Natural Habitats
Course Objective: For students to gain a greater knowledge and insight into the species of Woo Girl and their various breeds and types. Course will be hands on/pants off and focus specifically on Woo Girl haunts such as Mardi Gras, Western Themed Bars, and Spring Break. At the end of the ten week session, students are expected to have thorough and exhaustive knowledge of Woo Girl culture and mating rituals.
Prerequisites: Students shall have successfully passed both CGR 105 (An Introduction To Cougars) and ADV BRST 235 (Differential Equations and Matrix Algebra of Breasts.) Enrollment is limited to upper classmen only.
Professor: Stinson, B.
Class Schedule:
Week 1: WHAT IS A WOO?
An overview of Woous Normalus and their place in history, society, and mythology. Special guest lecturer: 3-time Wet T-shirt champion Tara Collins.
Week 2: THE CALL OF THE WOO
An in-depth look at the mating call. In the laboratory, students will master both the tonal aspects and wavelength duration of a Woo call. Later, during advanced fieldwork, students will attempt to infiltrate a pack of Woo girls, observe them in their native environments, and record and submit the phone numbers of any hot ones.
Week 3: THE BEAD INDUSTRY
The symbiotic relationship between young, impressionable women and shiny round objects on strings. We will examine both the micro and macro economics of Wooing.
Week 4: SUB-SPECIES OF WOO
Woous Vegasus, Woous PanamaCityus, and Woous SouthPadreus. We will explore their differences and similarities as well as their journey from Daddy’s Little Girl to Bad Relationships, and how the Discovery of Madori affects this evolution.
Week 5: MOVIE NIGHT
In what has traditionally been a popular lecture, students will analyze and deconstruct a collection of Girls Gone Wild DVD’s.
Week 6: WOO GIRLS AT THE WORKPLACE
An analysis of Woo Girl professionals. Lecture will focus through a historical lens, highlighting Woo girls in the workplace from the early days of aviation hospitality to present day pharmaceutical sales.
Week 7: FIELD TRIP TO MARDI GRAS
Students will observe the highest Holy Day of Woo, in the Wooiest City in the World.
Week 8: ORAL PRESENTATIONS
Students present theses prepared over this intensive two month course. Suggested topics include: The Seasons of Woo, The Origins of Woo, and Woos in World War II.
Required Reading:
-- Subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine
-- STA Spring Break Travel Guide ‘09
-- The Female Anatomy, 1991 ed.
-- The Bro Code
-- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Required Viewing:
-- Charlie’s Angels: The Complete First Season
-- Wild Things
-- Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Season Yearbook 1994
-- MTV’s The Grind: Complete Series
Not A Father's Day
November 10, 2008
Everyone’s talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Father’s Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father.
But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It’s simple. In fact, there’s a good chance you’re already Not a Father, but you’ll want to consult the following frequently asked questions first.
Not A Father - FAQs
1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.
2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?
Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.
3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?
Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:
--"the penis poncho" (condom)
--"sex mints" (birth control pills)
--"outercourse" (dry-humpin’)
--"the WMD’s of sperm" (IUD’s)
--"the circle of bachelorhood" (The Ring)
A more complete and scientifically responsible list can be found here:www.thenationalcampaign.org/unplanned/back2school.aspx
Doing Hard Time
November 3, 2008
As any graduate of Barney Stinson University can tell you, everything you need to know in life you learned while watching soft core porn:
-- "Pool Cleaner" is the best job on the planet
-- Busty blonde women make the best detectives
-- Women's prisons are hot, sexual breeding grounds of uninhibited debauchery
Female prisons existed for millennia as vast untapped (heh) reservoirs until our friends the Ancient Egyptians invented the conjugal visit, and suddenly the maximum security sexual paradise became accessible not just to Pharaoh, but also to Joe the Pyramid Builder. While today's gentleman may think starting a relationship with a female convict sounds like the perfect relationship - minimal talking, no expensive dinners, guaranteed sexual relations – I must warn you to PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
While these women are caged animals whom you can love and leave at your pleasure, what happens when they’re no longer caged? Parole boards and over-crowded prisons have conspired to threaten this fragile heaven. So how do you know which violent criminal should be the next notch on your bedpost (that you can make with her shiv!)? You can start by having her fill out this simple questionnaire, provided she knows how to read.
The Bro Code
October 20, 2008
At long last I have published "The Bro Code" -- the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes. "The Bro Code" definitively answers some of mankind's most profound dilemmas like "what happens if I accidentally brush against another Bro's junk?" and "how many pizzas should I order?" and "can I sleep with a Bro's ex-girlfriend?" This life-saving document is now available both in book stores and online.
Read an excerpt here.
An informative and valuable read for men and women alike, "The Bro Code" is the perfect stocking stuffer (heh) this holiday season, but don't take my word for it...
Critical Acclaim for "The Bro Code"
"This is the finest piece of literature ever written. Now will you give me my phone back, Barney?"
--Theodore M.
"This is by far the most disgusting, disparaging, stomach churning thing I've ever read, which means a lot if you've ever seen one of my husband's grocery lists."
--Lily A.
"You'll howl... with delight!"
--Stephen King
"Stinson uses language like a scalpel, digging though our deepest emotional tissue to expose the very core of the human psyche."
--Mike Tyson
"Finally! A book worth reading!"
--God
"Stinson beat me to it."
--J.D. Salinger
"Jefferson's out, Stinson's in!"
--Rachel M. (President - Mount Rushmore National Preservation Society)
"An entertaining beach read."
--Pope Benedict XVI
"Ewww."
--Robin S.
"Out of this world!"
--Alien (creature from another planet)
"I'm sorry what?"
--Maya Angelou
"I have a hundred words for 'snowflake' but only one word for 'The Bro Code,' - awesome!"
--Some Eskimo maybe
"This book makes me want to rethink my career."
--Mark (the dude who wrote the Gospel
Interveneous Injection
October 13, 2008
When a friend gets engaged, there's only one appropriate response: PANIC. Engagement is often the gateway to marriage; the leading cause of monogamy. As a friend, it's incumbent upon you to prevent this calamity, but should the traditional methods of intervention (booze, strippers, more booze) come up empty, you may have to resort to a more personal and heartfelt tactic: reading him the most heartfelt of letters.
I Heart NJ
October 6, 2008
The fist bump. One bro's way of telling another bro: "clever joke" or "thanks for taking the heffer so I could get the hottie" or "don't worry, I won't tell your girlfriend/wife." It's essentially the only acceptable form of bro-to-bro contact with the obvious exception of the high five. While the fist bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of bro-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time - don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.
Can you match these momentous fist bumps over the course of history with their place on the timeline?
Eli Whitney fist bumps cotton
God fist bumps Adam
Rocky vs. Drago fist bump before their fight in Rocky IV
Martin Luther fist bumps his 95 theses onto the door of the church
Tommie Smith and John Carlos fist bump atop the Olympic podium
Barack Obama fist bumps his wife, Michelle
Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict a Pharaoh fist bumping a cat
China builds the great wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist bumping them into oblivion
Chuck Yeager breaks the sound/fist bump barrier - (Other guy's arm falls off - never done again)
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make the first space fist bump
The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist bump
The Host with the Most
(9/29/08)
Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Barney Stinson? After all, what qualities make a great host?
Personality -- Check Awesomeness -- Check Good Looks -- Check
Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym.
IS SHE LEGAL?
20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges... Is She Legal?
Location: International waters
Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly
Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice
Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board
AMERICA'S WETTEST T-SHIRT
500 girls in skin-tight white t-shirts vie to see who can make their t-shirt the wettest
Location: A different city each week... regrets, Buffalo
Judges: A panel composed of Swimsuit models, firemen, and Olympic gold medal swimmer, Michael Phelps
Prize: Each week's winner will board the America's Wettest T-Shirt tour bus and earn an automatic entry in the season-ending tournament of champions, held in my pants
Sponsor: The NBA - The National Breast Augmentation Society
FATHERS AND SONS
Each week a father and son unite, forgive each other, and start their relationship anew
Location: The heart
Judges: No one should judge the relationship between father and son
Prize: The chance to finally play catch with your pop
Sponsor: The NBA - The National Basketball Association
THE NEXT GREAT TAILOR
Up and coming tailors prove their mettle by making me new top of the line suits every week
Location: Milan
Judges: Pieces will be judged on the following categories:
1. Wear-ability
2. Remove-ability
3. Get-Barney-laid-ability
Prize: I get a nice suit and, depending on its quality, laid
Sponsor: Barney's New York. Duh.
DON'T FORGET YOUR WALLET
Unknown contestants are woken up early in the morning following a one-night stand and have one minute to dress and escape before we wake up the chick. If the clock expires or the contestant leaves any personal belongings, he may wind up stuck in a relationship. Location: A bedroom near you
Judges: A panel made up of myself, Scott Baio and Lorenzo Lamas
Prize: Freedom
Sponsor: Trojan "Together we can end Feelings"
Overcoming Illness
(9/22/08)
As you all know, I recently overcame a traumatic and life threatening experience. While I appreciate the “get well” cards, muffin baskets and boob-o-grams you’ve been so kind to send, many of you are under the impression that the 83 major and minor bone fractures (heh) were the most serious injuries I suffered. False. All the time I was fighting a far more insidious and debilitating condition. Feelings.
During my courageous battle against Feelings I discovered, in shock, that the medical establishment has done very little research on this crippling affliction. In fact some physicians even went so far as to claim Feelings aren’t even a life-threatening disease! Luckily for you my PhD in Awesomeness has qualified me to assemble this informative medical pamphlet for any of you who fear you may have contracted Feelings.
Keep fighting, America.
ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM FEELINGS?
What Are Feelings?
Feelings are a tender emotional state that develop when a male becomes fixated on a single female to the exclusion of others. Even others with bigger boobs.
Early Warning Signs
When you’re around one particular chick, you experience:
•Pounding Heart
•Dry Mouth
•Nausea
•Inability to speak
•Sweating
•Desire to say flattering things
If undiagnosed, these warning signs can quickly develop into the full blown disease…
Symptoms
•Warm fluttery feelings in stomach
•Lightheadedness
•An unexplained urge to watch Love Actually
•Sudden increase in cuddling occurrences
•Brunch cravings
•Explosive monogamy
•Happiness
•Failure to notice other hot women
•Crosswording
Transmission
Though correlation remains scientifically inconclusive, studies indicate “hand holding” may play a role in spreading Feelings from one person to another.
Treatment
At this time the only treatment for Feelings is a multi-week course in Other Women. If symptoms persist, repeat course at a higher dosage. NOTE: This treatment can result in harmful side-effects such as rash, infection, and in some cases, pregnancy.
paid for by the Barney Stinson Foundation
“Together we can end Feelings”
EMRGENCY RROOM
(5/19/08)
Thweers bwwn an accieernht. Ok thus isn't wirkuing/
Hello, I'm Bill, a nurse here at St. Anthony's. Patient Stinson here asked me to type this stupid blog for him because he's suffered severe injuries to over 83% of his body. He says he'll pay me quite handsomely and judging by the stack of hundreds I found in the suit we cut off him, I believe him. So here goes.
"Barnacles, when you find yourself in pursuit of the ladies, you may be forced to don a disguise of a less awesome nature, such as a full body cast. Now…"
Hold on. What the hell is a Barnacle? And are you saying you wear a costume when you're trying to pick up chicks?
uM. yeAh.
Why?
oT gEt therm tro go home wiyth me.
That's kind of pathetic, no? Seems to me you'd look like a damn fool wearing a costume in the middle of the club. Don't people laugh at you?
No.
Sure they don't.
Tey dwont!
Why don't you just be honest about yourself and tell a woman she looks beautiful? Usually works for me, and I empty bedpans for a living.
Wrll you're during It wrOng!!!
That's funny. I have not one, but two lady friends from last night who may beg to differ.
Twyo?
Okay, anyone who is actually reading this blog: You're being misled. Meeting women is not that complicated. You don't need capes or costumes or whatever. Just show an interest in what she likes. Make her feel special. Oh, and wear a suit.
iM ntt gong to payy you noww.
Huh. Then I guess I'll be a little slower with your morphine drip.
Nnnnoooo!
Barney's Mail Sack
(5/12/08)
Dear Barney,
You know how you're always right about everything? How you have an uncanny ability to dispense with a theory, with some words of wisdom that undoubtedly always prove right? And how you look really, really awesome in suits? Well I can't believe I'm saying this because you've taught me so much and I owe you the world, but I think I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on serious relationships. See, I'm in a relationship with my doctor girlfriend, Zella Stinman, and the more serious we get, the more it seems like birds are singing, angels are jumping from cloud to cloud, and little kids are playing tiddlywinks in grassy fields or whatever they do. That seems so much more rewarding to me than how my awesome best friend has incredible sex with one hot chick one night and then with a new and different hot chick the next night, and so on and so on ad infinitum. Is there something I'm missing?
Dear Med,
Yes. You're missing something fundamental. Observe.
Get well soon,
Barney
A Call to Wings
(5/5/08)
Behind every great man is a great wingman: Michael Jordan had Scottie Pippen, George Bush the First had Dan Quayle, and Han Solo had Chewbacca. But sadly you can't just snap your fingers and find a Dan Quayle, so I have been forced to scrape by with Ted as my wingman for the last few years. But no more.
I am in the market for a new wingman.
Below is my "Application to be Barney Stinson's Wingman." If you think you're up to the job - and let's face it, you're probably not - please complete the form and mail it back to BarneyStinson@yahoo.com.
-The Barnacle
THE BRO CODE
(4/28/08)
Whether we know it or not, each of us lead our lives by an internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "The Bro Code."
Years ago, I set forth to compile and articulate the unspoken mores that exist between and among Bros the world over. While not intending to write a "Guide To Being a Bro," if men should treat it as such and choose to pass this compendium of knowledge from generation to generation, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye… but not out of it - that would be a violation of ARTICLE 77: "A Bro never cries."
The Bro Code is a living document - manifest in its 83 amendments - and as such is not yet publicly available in an unabridged volume. The original document is housed in a non-disclosed location, two stories beneath sea level in a vacuum-sealed bulletproof chamber. Re-printed here is a sampling of some of her articles. Learn. Live. Enjoy.
ARTICLE 26 "A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight." A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH "GIRL FIGHT"]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. Please refer to the Brobligation rubric as elucidated in AMENDMENT 83: "The REALLY hot sister and other hump trumps." * SEE ZaBroder film
ARTICLE 53 "A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection." In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need's location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow." It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story. * Unless a bicycle is the ONLY form of transportation, as in some Cambodian villages ** SEE APPENDIX E: "List of approved ninja training facilities and dojos."
ARTICLE 89 "A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro." Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
BEACH VIDEOS
(4/21/08)
When you see a link to a beach video on this blog, you're not wrong to expect a little hidden camera work from a topless beach and some hushed commentary from your Uncle Barney, as exemplified in my forthcoming documentary series, "Planet Boob."
But this beach video… is priceless.
Sandcastles in the Sand
THE CHAIN CIRCLE PYRAMID OF SCREAMING
(4/14/08)
HEY STUPID BLOG READERS!!! WHY DON'T YOU READ MY BLOG MORE?!?! Sorry. My boss screamed at me over a few missing schematics and I had to release some steam. Why didn't I yell at my boss and not at you? Because that would be dumb, idiot.
You see, we all learn as children that screaming leads to results, and it's no different in the workplace. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… that would be counter-productive. That's why it's imperative you understand where you stand on the Pyramid of ScreamingTM.
What exactly is the Pyramid of ScreamingTM?
The Pyramid of ScreamingTM is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.
To illustrate how it works, here's the scream pyramid for a professional football team:
The Head Coach can't scream at the Owner, but can scream at anyone else. The Quarterback can scream at his teammates, but not at his coaches. And the Punter screams at no one. He's lucky to have a job.
It's no different inside your office, as exemplified by my own corporate scream pyramid:
Below is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a colleague into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the V.P. of Synergy.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that there's always someone available to be the new foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English are great places to start.
SCRAPBOOKING
(3/31/08)
Retaining evidence of ANYTHING you’ve ever said or done is foolish if not actionable, particularly if you’ve said and done the type of things I’ve said and done. But I am human, after all, and have a unique soft spot for the many many many acrobatic moments I’ve shared with willing ladies over the years. So how best to cherish these memories?
Most suggest a tawdry list or tally - hardly the proper forum for exalting the unique feminine beauties who, at some point in the past, so graciously let you nail them. That’s why I suggest today’s nostalgic gentlemen create and maintain a well-crafted scrapbook. Here’s how to do it.
NOTE: Fight the urge to turn your scrapbook into a coffee table book. Lack of secrecy can and will lead to disastrous consequences, including, but not limited to, the destruction of your treasured scrapbook.
HOW TO MAKE A SCRAPBOOK
STEP 1: GET LAID
STEP 2: TAKE PICTURE
Something tasteful that captures the true essence of the woman. You’ll want to experiment to find your own style, but I’ve found the combination of zoom lens and cleavage to be the most classically rewarding.STEP 3: GATHER ARTIFACTS
For instance, did you conjugate in a hotel? Well that room key doesn’t just unlock a room, it unlocks the memory of getting laid in that room.CHOOSE A COMPLIMENTARY COLOR
Preferably, the background color of each page should reflect some aspect of your quarry. Was she Goth? Make it black. Was she a bride? Make it white. Was she a nun? How about a mixture of black and white.STEP 5: PICK A BORDER
Here's where I really like to get creative. On page 83 of my own scrapbook, I detail a roll in the hay with a strapping young milkmaid. We quite literally rolled in hay. Hence, I constructed a border out of strands of hay I later found attached to my underpants.STEP 6: JOURNALING
A picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes those thousand words leave you little to no idea just who the girl was, or more importantly, just who you were. More information is always helpful. Here’s a sample journal from one of my scrapbook pages:Alias: Elsworth Di Bona
Angle: Prince of Norway – I was to set sail to reclaim my rightful Norwegian throne stolen from me by the evil Dr. Reifenstandt. It was a dangerous, and most likely, deadly mission but such was the risk necessary to ensure my family crest be restored to its rightful, noble grandeur. My enemies could have been lurking anywhere, so it was imperative I secure safe lodging for the night.
Girl: Jenni Hendriks
Measurements: 36-24-35
Special notes: Great backrubs. Unfortunately, roommate raised by elderly Norwegian aunt.
If seen again: Pretend you have twin brother; amnesia; or you’re undercover and can’t talk now.
STEP 7: ENJOY YOUR SCRAPBOOK!
Not only have you commemorated your conquests in a classier way than the traditional notch on the bedpost, but you’ve also embarked on a lifelong hobby that will bestow great personal joy for years to come. Which brings us to the final and most important step of scrapbooking…STEP 8: GET LAID AGAIN
8.3 Seconds – That’s All You’ve Got To Make A First Impression
(3/24/08)
Everyday, I get thousands upon millions of electronic mails asking how to pick up women. The truth of the matter - however unnatural and fundamentally opposed to everything you've ever learned about the opposite sex – is that a woman actually picks you. Worse yet, women are shamefully superficial: a woman will judge a man on his appearance alone, regardless of how big her rack is. And just how long after first sight does it take for a woman to decide if she’d sleep with a guy? Try 8.3 seconds*. That's 1.7 seconds faster than your typical rocket launch. Astonishing.
Without the verbal acumen, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to ensnare a woman upon first glance, most men don’t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to be ready for nightmare contingencies such as laryngitis or, heaven forbid, the sudden appearance of a zit. Therefore, I’ve started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume ensembles that allow virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a woman’s 8.3 second barrier.
* Average time elapse based on a B.S. University study in which a cohort of attractive 18-22 year old females were exposed to pictures of random males and asked whether they would sleep with them. To legitimize the study, subjects were also shown a control picture of the lead researcher in a sharp suit and asked the same question.
FIRST IMPRESSION COSTUMES
MERCENARY
– Walk into a bar wearing a gun, a knife, and/or a grenade (toys preferred) and a woman’s first thought will be, “Now here’s a man who can protect me,” followed quickly with her second thought, “I’d like to engage in sexual relations with this heavily armed man.”VETERINARIAN
– A smock covered in dog hair will instantly convince any woman to sleep with you. Why? Because there’s nothing sexier to a woman than a man who actively sought an education in the early detection of feline diabetes and other animal maladies.ROCK AND ROLL DRUMMER
– Carry a pair of drumsticks and wear a denim vest emblazoned with a patch of your favorite band. Nobody knows what the drummer looks like. NOTE: Avoid the “Def Leppard” patch unless you plan on being uncomfortable all night.L. L. COOL J
– Ladies love Cool James.ARTIST
– Toss a beret on your melon and carry around a paintbrush and suddenly you’re the sensitive guy – which gives a woman the perverse pleasure of believing she might actually make you cry.HAIR STYLIST
–ESCAPED CONVICT
– Leg irons, and a black and white striped jumpsuit. Women love jewelry, a pin-striped suit, and danger. Combine all three and you’ll make her Sing Sing for ten to twenty-five (minutes).St. Barney's Day
(March 17, 2007)
They say Christmas only comes once a year… I guess someone forgot to tell St. Patrick. You see, next to Halloween, Mardi Gras, and that depressing two week window in late December when everyone feels lonely and desperate, there is no better time for a gentleman to go out carousing than St. Patty's Day. The alcohol flows like the swiftest Irish spring, chicks wear skimpy green outfits to commemorate the destitute émigrés of the Potato Famine, and even amateur pick-up lines like "Kiss me I'm Irish," "I wanna shamrock your body," and "Baby, you can banish my snakes" are surprisingly effective.
But beyond the joy of sharing several, rabid moments with complete strangers you'll never see again, St. Patty's Day is also a celebration of the many Irish innovations we enjoy the world over, such as redheads, violence, and of course, the limerick. Here are some limericks I've been crafting over the course of the last few minutes. Look for them in my forthcoming anthology of poems, "A Stinson For A Dream."
There once was a well-dressed man,
Who made a young lady a fan,
She gave him her number,
He laid pipe like a plumber,
Then before she awoke he ran.
All the fair lasses kept starin',
At a lad in the tavern MacLaren,
They fought for this stud,
In their bras and the mud,
Must be that pinstripe he's wearin'.
There was a young lass from Killarney,
Who promised a gentleman named Arnie,
That she only was his
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming O'Barney.
A man in a sharp navy blazer
Clearly hand-tailored by razor,
Went on a roll,
Captured his goal,
And never got tagged by a laser.
I was in love with a chick named Pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So I dumped her that night on the tram.
The whole blog is so interesting it such good for all thoes who just want to see it ,,, nice ....
ReplyDeleteplayboymansion tickets